I was standing in a parking lot an hour and a half away from
my home crying as my daughter walked away from me. Now I don’t cry often, but when I do, I cry
like a babbling idiot, and this was one of those days. My husband shuffled me into the car, handing
me a xanex and a bottle of water for the ride home. I was inconsolable for approximately six
weeks after dropping my baby girl off at college. At some point I even began searching the
internet for College Mom Support Groups.
But then something happened…I began to have fun. I stopped worrying over having dinner ready
on time, hell, I nearly stopped cooking altogether. Gone were the days of ironing tee shirts and
washing the last pair of clean jeans she owned.
Instead I took to the pool, instituted five o’clock cocktail hour and
bought lots of things to make sandwiches with.
I had a full dental done, my hair is highlighted and my toes and
fingernails shine with an entirely new gloss.
Oh and my husband? Whew! All of a sudden that man is smoking hot
again!
If I’d had someone to tell me, prepare me, it might have
saved me six weeks of dehydration.
Hence, I’m here for ya babe!
Of
course now I’m preparing to send my poopsidoodle baby boy to the College of
Charleston (my own alma mater) and am reminded of how much I needed advice two
years ago.
So let’s get started.
Anywhere on the internet you can find a
list of things they need to take with them.
That’s
not what I’m here for; I’m going to tell you the stuff they need on
top of that car load.
1)
Condoms-I don’t care a hill of beans whether you
want to buy them or not, do it. Consider
this, can you really afford their college AND their child support?
2)
Microwavable food-Popular are macaroni and
cheese, Uncle Ben’s Rice packets, Nacho cheese dip, oatmeal, cheese grits, and
Chef Boyardee (can opener!)
3)
Laundry Detergents-It astounds me how many
parents forget that your babies will be doing their own laundry. Do yourself a favor and include a packet of
Ritz color remover for when all their clothes come out pink.
4)
Refrigerated foods-Alright, don’t go crazy
here. A half gallon of ORGANIC milk is
what they need. Why organic? Because the expiration date is longer! We need to remember that other kids may be
sharing this fridge so let’s keep what’s in it to a minimum.
5)
Ziploc bags-All sizes. They’ll go through them like water for
everything from rubber bands and paperclips to the rest of their granola bar.
6)
Dry foods- Aforementioned granola bars, cereal,
chips, dried fruits, poptarts, small can’s of Dole fruits, popcorn (Good Lord
don’t forget that!) and so on. You’ll
waste money by purchasing too much. Besides
having them run out of food is a good way to get them to come home for a
weekend.
7)
Fans-I think they tell you to bring one, bring
two. Those dorm rooms are saunas.
8)
Paper Supplies-Besides their regular school
supplies they’ll need plastic forks, spoons, knives, cups, plates and
bowls. Along with that toilet paper and
paper towels. If you think they’re going
to wash a dish…oh hang on I can’t stop laughing. My daughter and all of her roommates didn’t
brush their teeth for three days because their sink was overloaded with dirty
dishes.
9)
Flip flops-Buy four or five solid rubber pairs
from the Dollar Tree. They’ll need them
and they’ll lose them at an amazingly fast pace.
Used for nasty dorm room floors and showers. Buy Tinactin anyway, they’ll need it.
10) Finally
they are going to need a bank account that’s joined to yours. That is unless you enjoy making midnight runs
into town to make a deposit into their account.
This step is absolutely crucial for providing them spending cash but
also for monitoring what they’re doing.
You can SEE where they use their debit card and at what times of day! Trust me it’s easier to walk to your computer
and click transfer funds than it is to run to the bank every time they need
money…which is a LOT.
All that being said there are other tips I have that will
help you monitor their behavior as well as keep yourself sane. Some of them seem ‘Big Brotherish’ but these
are my damn kids after all!
1)
Swipe their cell phones secretly when they’re
home and read through their texts.
Anything mentioning adderall, drinking or sex should be discussed openly
with them. Adderall is HUGE, I mean
gigantic in college. Your kid WILL try
it. It’s best to monitor that as best as
you can and in every way possible.
2)
Be their friend on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
and wherever else they hang out on social media. If they block you they can sit at home
instead of going to college at all. This
is serious; kids away from home for the first time tend to get severely
depressed. You have to listen to them
when they call but also watch how they interact with their peers online. That is usually a more telling source. Just because they are at college does not
mean they are equipped to handle this monolithic change in their lives. The best way to keep them from blocking you
from these pages is to only stalk them, don’t post cutesy Mommy misses you
crap. (Wow! that a do as I say, not as
I do comment if I’ve ever heard one!)
3)
Set them up on an allowance. We chose $30 a week for our daughter but our
son will need $50 a week because he’s going to school in a more expensive
area. It gives most of them their first
budget ever. Also if they suddenly start
needing more you can start nosing further into their business to find out why. Adderall is around $15 per pill, cigarettes
around $4.50 a pack and a bottle of vodka is about $18.
4)
Give them three $10 gas cards. It’ll take all of about an hour for them to
find someone with a car. Most colleges
don’t allow freshmen to take their vehicles so they quickly learn to get around
with friends. They’ll need to pitch in
for gas. Handing a friend a $10 gas card
is a sure way to ensure that they won’t have trouble catching a ride to Walmart
for anything they desperately need.
5)
Make sure you text them every single day. Kids don’t always like to call so texting
them and having them text you back is sometimes the only way to
communicate. If you don’t text then
learn, now. I text things like “So how
was your day?” or “Did you see Katherine had the baby!” All things that require a quick answer but
don’t demand too much of their valuable study time. (I say that sarcastically, read on.)
6)
Expect the worst. These kids are acclimating themselves to
college, expect at least a ten point drop in their overall GPA. I know some kids who breeze right through;
mine didn’t and ended up on academic probation.
She spent last year busting her behind to bring it back up.
7)
Sorority/Fraternity? I say yes.
Although they do entail drinking and other things no matter what they
say. But these groups are expensive; my
daughter’s sorority had a $500 start up cost.
The monthly dues are $70 thereafter until graduation, what happens after
that I don’t know. Nevertheless, I don’t
know how she would have gotten through the past two years without her
sisters. If you can afford it and they
want to join, research the group first and ask millions of questions. Personally I think they’re all about the
same. Beware, if your child signs up for
a Fundraiser and doesn’t do anything to raise funds…the sorority/fraternity
will bill YOU the entire amount he/she committed to raise! Betcha didn’t know that tidbit! Those t-shirts? Yeah you’re getting that bill too.
8)
If they aren’t too far away then go get them and
bring them home one weekend a month at the least. Cook their favorite meals, do their laundry
and when they go to the store go through all of their stuff. Again looking for anything unusual that you
need to know to keep them alive through their first year. I may get a lot of bashing on this but I’m a
big believer in snooping. I can’t tackle
a problem I don’t know about and these are my babies no matter how grown they look. Just don’t be a fool and wait for them at the
front door with a pack of ‘found’ condoms in your hand. Bring it up later as a different subject. Letting them know you’re all in their
business is a sure way to never see them again.
9)
Send them mail.
My daughter was the only girl in her dorm room that ever got mail. She LOVED it.
I sent her magazines that we’d enjoyed together (after I’d read them
first of course.) And whatever mail she
got here at the house, or pictures that I scanned and printed that I knew she’d
like on her bulletin board. Simple
things. Usually I’d stuff a $20 into the
magazine for play money. It's a nice way for Mom to send an 'I love you' message!
10) Don’t
be hysterical. Things are going to
happen. My daughter was the most perfect
teenager you can imagine… but she’s tried everything there is to try now. Do not criticize them; these are choices they’ve
made-good or awful, instead encourage them.
Momma used to say you catch more flies with sugar than you do with
vinegar, live by that rule. Talk to them
openly, be the ‘cool’ parent. You find
out more that way, plus your kids begin to realize that you see them as an
adult now and that boosts their confidence.
As I contemplate buying my last set of plastic drawer units
on rollers, I give you my final piece of unsolicited advice, enjoy
yourself! Renew your relationship with
your partner or find a new one, read (preferably my books,) take long bubble
baths and fix yourself up. You aren’t
the Mom covered in spaghetti sauce anymore shave those legs ladies this is YOUR
time to party!
