Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Don't Touch that Button!

Dear Mt. Pleasant, 

I’m using you to stretch my fingers this morning; you know get them agile and exercised prior to doing actual work.  But here’s what got me all riled up in the first place.

Now if I’m to understand this completely, as I’m driving across the bridge, about halfway through I need to turn off my GPS, cell phone and unplug my iPod from the auxiliary port built into my car.  I’m sorry but with all that action I didn’t see the eighteen wheeler at a dead stop in front of me.  Thus your late afternoon drive from downtown is delayed and you don’t make it home in time for your son’s pee-wee football game.  But by the time the police arrive you can bet your bottom dollar that my attorney is already on his way.  I wouldn’t have gotten into this accident if it weren’t for Mount Pleasant City Council after all and I want my free government cheese.

Don’t get me wrong, I have two teenagers.  I can bitch about texting or talking while driving till the cows come home and never tire.  But us grown up’s have long switched over to hand’s free cars.  Those of us who haven’t should think about dredging ourselves over to Verizon for one of those Road Runners ($100 and worth every penny.)  We bought one for our son’s car and they act fully as hand’s free phones.  Oh wait…no they don’t.  You have to reach up to your visor and push a button to answer and according to Mount Pleasant’s new law that will be illegal. 

Here’s what I think, you folks on the Mount Pleasant City Council need to re-think this new proposed law and re-work it somewhat.  At least let’s consider re-wording it.  I’m not going to bash you here, after all some of you are old friends.  Hell the Mayor bought the house I grew up in on the island and assumed custody of my black lab when he moved in.  But I do think this ‘proposed’ ban needs some further consideration.  I’m afraid we’re going overboard, much like my beloved island has.  It still costs me $35 to walk my dog on the beach, yet I’ve researched that law and discovered that nothing stands between me and my fifteen dogs moving back to the island.  As long as I pay $35 a year for each of them and can afford a $2 million price tag for a house.  Trust me, I’ve actually thought of doing just that…to prove a point.  You foreigner’s who’ve taken up residence on my island should be glad you’ve out priced me over there or I would definitely be your worst nightmare.  It would be your own fault too, because you didn’t think your laws through.

I simply think that we, East of the Cooperites, need to slow down before we accidentally transform ourselves into Hilton Head.  Let’s see a few photos, (borrowed from Facebook group East of the Cooper 70’s and 80’s) and get a warm fuzzy of our beloved home town here.  To remember what we had.

Okay, now that you are all cozy remembering what we had let’s consider what we want for the future.  Keep in mind these are only MY thoughts.  If you are one of Mount Pleasant’s Finest and you see my son or daughter driving down Houston Northcutt with their cell phone plastered to their ear I want you to put on your blue lights, get out of your car and slap handcuffs on them.  I’ll bail them out before they need to move into their dorm rooms.  Expect me late August sometime.  However, if you see me riding down Highway 17 seemingly talking to no one in my car and you pull me over then we have a problem.  You may KNOW by the simple reality that I’m talking on the phone (handsfree) that at some point I’ve had to push a button to engage said call but you can’t prove it.

So you (Mount Pleasant’s Finest) buck up and say that the City Council has banned me from talking to my Mother but I’m going to call bullshit and hire a lawyer.  If I live on Sullivan’s Island or Isle of Palms then I can afford South of Broad baby.  It’s going to cost you a fortune to argue with me about whether I actually pushed a button or not.  But what if I tell you that Siri made the call?  Are you prepared to battle Microsoft?  This could get out of hand pretty fast.

Stupid, frivolous, lawsuits that will nearly instantly drain Mount Pleasant of all funds they are using to construct all of those silly traffic circles on Ben Sawyer.  (In retrospect this ban may not be a bad idea afterall.)

While I LOVE Hilton Head, and who doesn’t?  I don’t want to live there, a few weeks in the summer of not being able to find Walmart because of laws concerning signage and I’m ready for home.  I’m not quite ready to hand over Mount Pleasant to frivolity without a full battle.  We need to be adults here.  Let’s consider re-working this new ban, perhaps gain some support from Charleston County as a whole.  Something that makes actual sense to us grownups out there who are smart enough to resist that phone call while we’re in traffic and certainly know not to text.

What we NEED to do is educate our kids; this is yet another matter of letting the government teach our children.  Perhaps instead of this new law we could spend those funds creating a class that new drivers MUST take in order to operate a vehicle on our streets?  Hang on isn’t that called “Driver’s Training?”  You can’t get a driver’s license in South Carolina without taking that class.  Well if they aren’t teaching cell phone/vehicle lessons in those classes what exactly are they teaching?  Are our high school classrooms so politically correct that we can’t go there?  Or could it be that talking about ‘death by cell phone’ would lead to discussions about God which would offend our frilly students?  The word here is EDUCATE folks.  Teach your own kids, (since the government apparently won’t) not to text or make calls while driving.

Again, I reiterate to Mount Pleasant’s Finest, if you see my kids talking or texting while driving do not hesitate to lock their unruly behinds in jail.  Pop them with a fine so high that they won’t be able to afford to pitch in for that keg party.  (You get that irony right?  They aren’t old enough to drink either, but they’re going to try it anyway.)  But because I was raised East of the Cooper, I will not, under any circumstances, tolerate such behavior and I WILL leave them overnight in your jail and will happily slip you cost of their room and board.  You know why?  Because I, me, myself, (and husband) were taught to raise our OWN children.  This proposed ban is nothing but another attempt to teach our children after the fact.  This matter needs to be addressed much earlier, BEFORE they drive on our streets at all.  I resent being lumped into ‘humanity’ when I’m a responsible adult who can push a button in my car without hitting someone in front of me.

East of the Cooperite


  1. So the cops will have to remove all of their electronics from their vehicles too, right?
    This is some dumb lawmaking.

  2. Nope, the law specifically notes that city and county vehicles are exempt. So Joe Policeman can talk to his Momma all he wants. Even off duty I assume. Of course they don't seem to have thought that one through either...

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