Monday, July 22, 2013

The General Rule

Is that if Wikipedia doesn't have a definition then it doesn't exist.  You can bet your damp panties that Webster's doesn't have one either.  So do let me clarify my definition, because I'm tired of hiding in the pornography closet (not that I have one...I really don't.)  First of all Mommy Porn has been around since the story of Adam and Eve was written down.  Who of us has never waited in the doctor's office and picked up one of the children's Bibles?  Right there in full view of our sneezing toddlers is porn. You can thump that same Bible as hard as you want, I still won't be convinced that procreation isn't fun.
But we've added a great deal to our lives since Adam and Eve donned the first fig leaf.  We have interesting things such as iPads, wireless internet and cars that talk to us.  We also have less interesting items like power bills, the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Verizon bill.  Things that are so complicated that the mere thought of them is enough to give us blinding migraines.  Let's get real, you've spent your entire day covered in snot.  You've washed the dog, cooked three meals for five people and now you want a few moments to yourself.  Good luck with that.
Hold your ponies, we need to add in a hard working partner who comes in, see's you frazzled and still thinks you're hot.  Bless his heart.  You want to make your man happy, doesn't the Bible tell us to do that?  But your feet are aching, something that may be blood is on your sleeve and no one you know is capable of loading a dishwasher.  You'd love to soak in Calgon for an hour but you still have to walk the dog, no need to get clean now because you'll be covered in sweat and slobber by the time you finish your day.  So what to do...
You pick up your e-reader and delve into a story that doesn't ask anything of you.  The kids are all bathed, smelling less snotty now, gathered at your feet watching a Penguin movie on television, they have no idea why you're perspiring on the couch.  Neither does handsome hunk husband sitting next to you.  Note that before you began reading he was hard working, bless his heart, now suddenly he's a handsome hunk of a man.  You begin to look at him in a different light.  After all he's YOUR McDreamy.
Later that night after you've created snotty nose number four and hunk husband is snoring next to you, you turn on the e-reader again to read more about sexy Logan and his devastating past.  Logan does all the things you wish snoring husband would do and is a millionaire to boot!  As you doze off, your dreams of him whisk you away to a world less stressful than your own.  When the sun rises the next morning you wake considering lingerie and making waxing appointments. 
At your 50th Anniversary someone asks you how you made it through six children?  Your husband winks at you and announces the secret is that, "she read lots of Mommy Porn."
SO, to all of my family and friends who are offended by the fact that I write Mommy Porn for a living...keep it to yourself, I'm busy saving the world here. 


  1. :) It doesn't annoy me that you write mommy porn, or porn on paper as I like to call it. What annoys me is when authors/readers get in such a tizzy over someone calling it mommy porn.

    Personally, I find it a humorous and cheeky term. One I announce to everyone when they threaten to take my steamy reads away from me. " Touch my porn on paper and I will kill you with one slightly less smutish!" ;)

  2. Wow, what a great article! You've absolutely nailed it! you nailed without apology or whining; but with pride and dignity. Your article gives me new insight into what you (and I) do, and serves as a motivator to continue. Thank you. Hope you don't mind if I pass this around.

    1. I was just asking Chris about you the other day! We need to keep in better touch! Sure spread it around! Hugs, Laura